Seeking Strength

We tend to build an invisible barrier around our communities and pretend that abuse does not exist.

This is my story.

My husband came from a very unstable family where they became immune to abuse. It was ‘normal‘ for them. I suppose he didn’t know any other way. That doesn’t mean I condoned his actions, then, or now.

I suffered in silence, while he physically and mentally abused me. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. He was obsessive and possessive to the point that I could not even attend my own sisters wedding.

It eventually got to the stage where I couldn’t take any more. My body was tired from the beating. I was loosing my mind. The words he used were the worst, they cut through me like a knife. I almost had a nervous breakdown. Then I realised that I couldn’t do this any more. I had very little fight left in me, and what little there was I wanted to use to fight against him. I filed for divorce.

What followed, to this day haunts. I keep it locked away, deep, down in my heart. I wish I could completely erase it. My husband murdered my son. And then the coward hanged himself. The pain continues to reverberate through my soul each and every day. He killed my baby and took the easy way out.

If I thought that life before this was bad, things just got even worst for me. I felt tlike a was always on the edge of a cliff, and I wished someone would just push me over. Depression clung to me. I changed jobs. I began neglecting my other son, and then I handed him over to my parents, because they would take better care of him than I could at that time. But the gap I put between us, just drove us further apart. Eventually it has come to a stage where I don’t even see my son any more. I was so afraid that if I allowed him to get close to me, something horrible would happen to him too. It was an irrational conclusion, but I was hardly in the correct frame of mind any more. I could never forgive myself. If I hadn’t filed for divorce, my angel would still be alive.

Remember me in your prayers. Pray for my strength so that I may endure this pain, pray for more strength so that I may lay the past to rest, and pray for further strength so that I may be a mother to the only son I have I have left. And pray for my little boy, smiling down on me.

Hope everyone is well this beautiful, rainy day! I will be sharing stories from victims and survivors a few times a week. Please share your thoughts, your encouragements and your support. May Allah ease the pain of all those that are suffering. Ameen!

If anyone has any stories to share please email me survivin@yahoo.co.za

Have a fabulous Monday! Go out and find your ray of sunshine!

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12 thoughts on “Seeking Strength

  1. This absolutely breaks my heart! You are not responsible for your husbands actions and decisions. You did nothing to provoke him to do what he did. Like you yourself said, he was a coward! I pray that you find strenght and healing, and that ultimately you are re-united with your remaining son. He needs you as much, if not more now than he previously did… Much love and strenght to you ♡

  2. Plz reunite with ur son,he needs u,get some counselling,my mother also couldn’t look after me,she was not well,even though ur parents are there,ur son needs his mother,I know It might be hard,but don’t be selfish,I’m 27 and up 2 this day,I was ‘given’ away when I was 2 weeks old,I still long 4 my mother,(she passed on when I was 6),but I still rememeber her 😥 may the almighty bless her with the highest stages in heaven,@ least spend the weekends with him.he is going 2 start hating u and eventually not want 2 have anything 2 do with u,so I suggest counselling and 4rm there take the next step…may all ur prayers be accepted,u will be in my prayers and thoughts also

  3. So sorry to hear that……. Ur story shows some of us that there are ppl out there that r worse off then others…….. May the Almighty guide u into doing good and also to accept and come to terms with the past and what which u cannot change….. Its not ur fault don’t ever sit n blame urself be grateful ur son is not growing up in an abusive home n this creul world… As for ur other son he also is not in an abusive home and he has two loving grandparents who took him in.. Once u accept the past n believe that Almighty tests the ones he loves, go and raise ur son make peace with what happened in the past, it may take time but will be all worth it, don’t rush and don’t expect things to change over night many of us feel that way even I do but u learn that everything takes time.

    Reading ur story made me think of her a woman, Nasreen Koor, met up in an accident close to home n the Almighty took her with 1 of her sons n left her hubby n 1 son, so the Almighty has a reason y it happens that way n we can’t blame ourselves or question Him.

    Put on ur positive hat n go out there n face ur challenges and be there for ur other son….. All the best, I wish u all the strength, happiness and love….. U deserve it….

    Trials make us stronger n teachers us to live with whatever comes our way daily….

  4. I’m so glad you’re writing again!
    What a heartbreaking story. May Allah make it easy for all of those suffering abuse of any kind. Truly Allah will see to it that they are compensated in the hereafter. Ameen.

  5. Hey Yeah I also thought It was Mumtaz, Soooo Sad to hear that this is actually true life stories, Wish we could do somthing out there, Or was living in a different world, Allah make easy for everyone, Ameen

  6. How menial are our everyday problems. I’ve really got to start making more shukr.
    My heart goes out to you, poster. I’m blowing you little kisses of support, love, encouragement and prayer.

    Hey Asmaa.. special kisses to you too! Xx

  7. absolutely heartbreaking :”(
    May Allah grant you the strength to overcome this barrier that he has brought into your life and may he grant you the ability to open your heart up to your other son with the love, support and encouragement that comes with being, just simply, a mother 😥 ameen

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